"... because worrying is wasteful in times like these"

It really is a beautiful day toy. I'm sitting outside with the boys, hubby, and the dog - soaking in the sun, listening to music, watching the boys play. The playlist is a blissful mix of 90s music and it's flashing me back to high school school.

Current mood - Jewel

These lyrics just smacked me in the face:

And not to worry because worry is wasteful
And useless in times like these

Today, okay this whole weekend let's be honest, has been a string of worries. For the first time in a while my anxiety is getting the better of me. Usually I run a checklist through my mind reminding me of the things I have control of. I'm kind of at a loss.

My classroom is gone - I can't control that. I can't control when we go back to school or how we go back. 

I can't control where I go or what I do. I can't escape to the library or bookstore.

I feel like I'm losing control of what I teach and how I teach, more specifically for next year. 

I'm starting to wonder why I went back for another degree (the one I finished last year. I don't think I'm going to chase the PhD). I thought I knew what I could do with it. I thought I would become this major asset to my school. I don't feel that way.

I feel like a burden. 

I feel like I'm being ignored.

I also feel like I'm not doing what I should be doing.

You ever see Sherlock? I'm talking Benedict Cumberbatch version. Two words. Mind. Palace.

Seriously. My brain is trying to solve problems. I have dozen of problems sitting on a table in front of me. Some things are connected, some aren't, some I can see, some are still obscured, some I know how how to fix, and others are a hot mess. But the vast majority are all connected to my professional life. Oh there are personal things on that table, but I feel like I'm at a point where I'm not doing exactly what I should be doing. 

No that's confusing. Not that I'm not supposed to be teaching. But I feel like I should be doing something else that I'm not in the exact right place. 

And I don't know who to talk to in order to sort this all out.

But this is where I need to get myself mentally:

I will not be made useless
I won't be idled with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
For light does the darkness most fear

~Jewel - Hands

My Mood Swings Are Giving Me Whiplash

A list of moods today

• OMG DOG WHY ARE YOU AWAKE‽
• Tired
• Cheerful and optimistic
• Motivated!
• Disgusted
• Excited
• Compassionate
• Motivated
• Annoyed
• Really annoyed
• Relief
• Sad
• Exhausted
• Frustrated
• Angry
• Frustrated
• Miffed
• Exasperated
• Hopeful
• Joy
• Love
• Hope
• Compassionate
• Happy sad
• Exhausted
• Frustrated
• Sad
• Depressed
• Angry
• Depressed
• Frustrated
• Defeated
• Surprised
• OMG FRUSTRATION LEVEl AT MAX CHILD PLEASE PICK UP YOUR STUFF AND GET IN THR SHOWER!!!!
• Loving
• WTF
• Defeated
• Sliver of joy

Lots of personal stuff adding to the already heated emotions of quarantine. Some disappointing news mixed with too many road blocks. Trying to remain positive and hopeful, but it's hard. 

More Changes - Schools Closed

Yesterday was a hard day. The lack of certainty is starting to wear on me. I'm finding myself snapping easily and misreading people. I'm finding myself wanting to sleep more. I'm finding myself wanting to shut down. I don't totally understand why I'm feeling this way. I honestly don't know what to do about it either. I eventually sat in my room and cried for a bit.

The governor announced that schools will be closed for the rest of the year. Honestly, I knew it was coming but to hear the announcement was a blow. It hurts knowing that this year is over. It hurts not being able to close out the year. It hurts to not be able to properly say goodbye to my kids.

At the same time, I don't want to go back. It sounds sane in my head, but writing it out sounds crazy. Why am I scared/worried about this virus? It's so distant, so invisible, yet I know people that are dealing with it on a daily basis. Like, is me sitting at home really doing something to help? Is this really helping to keep the virus at bay? Is it really helping to find a cure? Will any of this really have an impact on what the history books will tell? What will be written about this in the books?

I told Billy about school being closed. I was a little sad when he was happy about it. I don't know why he's happy to not go back to school. Will thinks it's because he's able to spend more time with us. Sometimes I worry that he doesn't like school. I don't need that, the kid is only in 1st grade. I hope that he will be okay for 2nd grade next year. Not being in school since the beginning of March is going to make the beginning of next year hard.

Other general things I'm worried about -

School next year - are we starting as normal, what is this blended learning model everyone is talking about (I know what blended learning is, but how does that play into next year), what do I do with Billy and Alex if we are on staggered starts next year, what am I teaching, am I going to have a job next year, are kids going to take a while to adjust to being back at school, how are MY kids going to do next year, am I doing everything I should be doing to keep Billy on track, should I worry about preschool for Alex

Returning to a new normal is not going to be easy.

Freedom to Assemble - Thoughts on Protesting at the State House

I'm trying very hard to understand why people are protesting against stay at home orders. Here is my brain dump on protesters and what they are attempting to do.

Warning - this is going to be a stream of consciousness and is going to jump a lot.

I respect the right of people to protest. It's a good thing, but is this the time to be doing so?

I'm imagine many of these people don't think the virus is that serious. I'm guessing many continue to compare to the flu. Okay, that's fine but I don't think it's an accurate comparison.

I understand people are worried about their businesses, but are they worried about their employees keeping a livable income? Do they care?

Why do some people think their virus is a hoax? I'm assuming that many of them are also against vaccines. That's another group I don't understand. That and people who think the world is flat. Like how do you suddenly think that vaccines cause horrible side effects and that the world is flat? Like, what rabbit hole did you go down?

What do these individuals hope to gain out of protesting? Okay, reopening the economy, but don't they realize that is supposed to happen in a couple of weeks? I actually think they want a full return to normal. But again, this is the same group that says this is fake.

I find it interesting that these people say that this is an abuse of power, but these same people also said that if Trump did something similar they would be okay with it. Because they elected him. But they also elected our governor. Double standard?

Why are they bringing their kids to these things?

Why are their blocking traffic? Why are they blocking hospitals? Have any of these individuals thought to speak to doctors and nurses to see what things are like?

Are these people really okay with people dying in exchange for normalcy?

This isn't a matter of me being for or against Trump, I'm honestly at a loss for understanding these people.

Why do they keep going to talking head doctors to get their research? Dr Phil is not a epidemiologist or a virologist.

What is it with calling things/people fake when you don't agree with them? You know what's fake news? The Onion. You know who's a fake doctor? Dr House.

WHAT ARE THESE PEOPLE DOING TO HELP?

Why should a bridal shop be considered essential? Okay, I know it's your business. But did you argue the list when it was created by FEMA and Homeland Security? In do believe that was up for public comment when the list was created. Okay, you're worried about your business, but why aren't you fighting larger companies and CEOs that are still making billions? Your little Main St business is going to be wiped out by a large company. Be worried about David's Bridal taking over. Be worried about Walmart killing the small neighborhood grocery store. Be worried about Amazon mistreating and underpaying employees. Be worried about companies not taking care of their employees now and in the future.

Okay, they don't like government interference or socialism. Did they balk about the CARES act being passed? I'm going to guess they are not fans of ACA. How do they feel about Medicare and Medicaid?

I don't understand why people don't like single payer systems. Why are they okay with large insurance companies making profits? Why is anyone okay with companies making large profits while the communities and employees starve?

Why are people okay with death in exchange for a "thriving economy and freedom?"

Why can this discourse not happen without name calling?

I'm stopping here. Next time, I'm doing this on paper and I'll post a scan of it.

I am not okay with returning to how things were at the risk of my family's health, my health, my sanity. Until every single person can be tested and a reliable treatment developed, we should not be entertaining the idea of flipping the switch and going back.

Staggered Restart

I think this is the best title I can come up with...

Over the past couple of days, there has been an even bigger push to restart society and get us back to normal. I understand the push from the business perspective. People don't want their businesses to go under and they are worried about continuing to make a profit. I understand that people want to get back to work. I understand that people want their kids back in school.

But it doesn't change the fact that this virus is still very active.

I'm actually worried about things reopening on May 1st. I keep seeing the reports of more people testing positive, more people dying, and still not enough tests to know who has it or who doesn't have it. My concern is that things will be loosened a little and people will lose their minds. Hello, have we seen the protests at the State House? What happens if we spike again?

At the same time, I'm worried about school. I'm worried about school restarting. I'm worried about it not starting. I'm worried about my students. I'm worried about doing too much or too little. I'm worried about this year. I'm worried about next year. I'm worried about too many unknowns. I'm worried that I don't know what I should know. Too many wheels spinning...

Bottom line - I think people are being optimistic about May 1st. We'll see if it actually happens. I don't know what to hope for. Certainly to return to "normal" but not at the risk of the lives of others.

Because I'm the fool that keeps going to work even when I don't feel well because I hate calling out sick. I would be the one to infect everyone.

Ugh, I'm feeling stressed and angsty. I HAVE NO CLEAR ANSWERS AND THAT BOTHERS ME!

Perhaps there will be some answers next week. We'll see what happens...

Holidays - Quarantine Style

Easter is tomorrow, and while we're not a religious family it's still a time where we are used to getting together. It's a little strange that this won't be happening this year. My sister lives in Columbus and she's staying there with her husband. The rest of the family is staying put.

Last year Billy and I spent spring break/Easter in San Diego with my uncles. It was the first time I had seen them since my grandmother passed away - just about 9 years. Today, Billy went down memory lane talking about Easter in San Diego. I should probably call Uncle B to see how he and M are doing.

I'll miss going to mass with them tonight.

Even though we aren't getting together for Easter, I'm still making noodles. Noodles are important in my family. My grandmother made them for almost every single holiday meal. I think Thanksgiving was the exception. The thing is before she passed she didn't teach any of us the recipe. My aunt knew how to cut the noodles as that was part of her "job" during the few years before mamaw passed away. But the actual recipe to make the noodles? No clue. Don't get me wrong, I asked mamaw how to make them and the answer was usually that she threw things together until the dough felt right. Not helpful mamaw...

So fast forward to last Christmas when I played around and figured it out. It's not EXACTLY the same, but it's pretty darn close. Today I spent ALL. DAY. LONG. babysitting chickens as they boiled down to stock. Tomorrow I'll make the noodles and deliver them to family. It really is a long and labor-intensive process, but it's worth it. I need to make sure I pass down the recipe so I don't torture future family members when no one knows how to make it.

Today I got to talk to two of my good friends and we did a virtual afternoon out. It felt good to talk to them and socialize. If you can call drinking tea and chatting over Zoom as socializing. Meh. It will, perhaps, be easier for me to chat with C before P again. With P working in the medical field, it's a miracle if they get time off to breathe. I worry about P being exposed to COVID especially with the patients that have been coming in recently. P is worried about the older people in the hospital and people who aren't social distancing/staying at home. Some of the things I hear from P make the shortages more a reality. Wearing a cloth mask over surgical masks to make them last longer. Spraying Lysol on masks to disinfect after sneezing or coughing. Not enough gowns. Not enough shields. Not enough doctors. Not enough beds. Not enough hospitals. Not enough time.

Listen, people. This is not over yet. Don't think that because some numbers are declining that everything is wrapping up. It's not. Please stay at home. Please be responsible. Please wash your hands. Please follow directions.  We're in this together. Not just for our community and state, but for other communities and states as well. Yes, it sucks right now, but it won't last forever. We will find a new version of normal. Just not today, next week, or next month.

Next time - PICTURES OF NOODLES! OM NOM!

Waiting Games

Yesterday I mentioned that this lovely little virus has had a personal impact. Not in the sense that my daily life has been disrupted. I mean it has been disrupted, but that's not the point. This virus is like Schrodinger's virus. Here's a meme to understand:


My uncle, B, and his partner, M, live in San Diego. M got very, very sick the second week of March. My uncle is paranoid about doctors and hospitals (that's another story), and both just didn't want to go to the hospital. Eventually, M got to the point where he was struggling to breathe and they had to go to the hospital. He was admitted to the hospital and placed into the ICU. Aside from sepsis and a myriad of other problems, they suspected that he had COVID but he wasn't tested. Why? Not enough tests. And because both B and M have an underlying health issue that makes doctors put them on a low priority list.

Eventually, M is well enough to be sent home. He's not better, but beds are so short they push him out when he can be cleared out of the ICU. Guess what. He's still sick. He still has issues breathing, and they don't have enough tests to test people like them. So they have to act like he has it because to act like it's anything else is irresponsible.

With my uncle being in San Diego, it's really hard. There is no other family close to them to see from a distance or to help. And if something does go wrong, we're on the other side of the country faced with the fear of going into a virus hot zone. I know they are both lonely, and I wish there was something I could do to be there for them. Yes, I'm afraid that M has the virus but I also fear B getting it. I'm afraid they might both die from the virus. I'm afraid they will die alone. And I'm afraid that their dog will be left alone.

There really isn't anything I can do but wait. Wait to see if they are ever tested. Wait to see if they get better. Wait to see if everything around the country gets better. Wait to see if I can see them again. Everything right now is a waiting game. We can't wait to return to normal - we will never go back to that version of normal. And I'm okay with that because it could lead to major changes in our country and society as a whole.

But I hope that the new normal gives me the ability to see my uncles again.